Our 8-week old just cannot sleep comfortably. She keeps waking up crying and even after we make sure she isn’t wet or hungry she continues to cry. It seems that she is in pain and no matter what we do it doesn’t help. Her doctor said she has “colic” and she just has to grow out of it, but it is so frustrating and upsetting. Any suggestions?
“Colic” is a generic term for a condition of unknown cause that affects some infants. It is characterised by inconsolable crying. While infants usually grow out of it by the time they are three months or so, it can be a very difficult period for parents. Parents want to make everything OK for their babies, and being unable to console the infant can result in parents feeling inadequate, frustrated and even angry or estranged from their infant.
Like so many things, the answer lies in changing attitudes. As long as we believe that it is our job to make everything OK, we are doomed to feeling frustrated because we can’t “fix” colic. But what if we change that belief? If we can see our job as just being there to love and support our children no matter what, we can always “do our job” even when we can’t “solve the problem”.
Colic is a great situation to practise this attitude adjustment early on. Accept that you will not be able to stop the crying or make everything OK, but absolutely continue to hold your baby! It is an opportunity to let her know that she is loved and that she is not alone, no matter what the circumstance. Of course you wish you could make her comfortable and stop the crying, but if you can hold her and hug her while she is crying it will be an important lesson, for both of you, that as long as you are in touch with all the love in your heart you have an amazingly powerful gift for your child, in any situation.
I am a single parent of a 9 year old boy. He is wonderful but I work all day and after coming home, making dinner, cleaning up and doing homework I am exhausted. I’ve told him he needs to go to sleep by 9 PM, because I really need some quiet “adult time” but he says he isn’t tired and we’ve been battling over this bedtime issue for weeks. Help!!
Being a single parent can be challenging and it is natural to want and need a little bit of quiet time. Sleeping when we are tired is as natural, and gratifying, as eating when we are hungry. Children’s sleep can be easily self-regulated if we don’t engage them in power struggles that become counter-productive for everyone. Children will sleep when they are tired, and if they don’t get enough sleep one day they will compensate for it the next.
Of course, allowing your son to self-regulate his sleep does not solve your problem of needing quiet adult time. I think this is a terrific opportunity for you to model collaborative decision making with your son. Sit down and ask him what his needs are in this “battle”. Then share your needs, and discuss ideas to have a “win-win” scenario. In this case it might be pretty easy: Perhaps he could go to his room at 9 PM, but be allowed to decide for himself when he wants to actually go to sleep. That way he feels in control of his sleep, and you get your much needed adult time. Plus, the process is respectful and empowering, and lots more pleasant than arguing!
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